Typical job ads


 

corporate dynamicJob ads are to human beings what dysentery is to market research. These long torture sessions for people who need jobs are now institutionalized, like everything else that doesn’t work in this world and everything that shouldn’t.

So, naturally, I’ve decided to jump on the industry hearse and add a sort of template for more efficient stupidity, as follows:

 

Administration Clerk job ad

We’re looking for an admin hero. A Darth Vader of data entry. A vicarious vulture of call centers. A master of irrelevance who doesn’t check pay slips.

This is the person we want:

  • You’re a real go-getter with a sense of adventure in the fun-filled, vermin-infested world of admin.
  • You have a PhD in insane nitpicking, and a post-grad in office effluent management at source.
  • Youse haves an eye for detowel.
  • You’re an experienced lab animal.
  • You can’t tell the time, let alone your age, but you’re a great time manager.
  • You can perform janitorial duties and major surgical procedures at the same time.
  • You belong to no known species.
  • You can manage competing lunacies with ease and a total lack of competence.
  • You’re consistently above KPIs, because of your complete lack of biological processes.
  • You see no relevance to yourself or your employer in the words “customers”, “sales”, “revenue” or “productivity”.
  • You are deliriously enthusiastic about everything.
  • Your ignorance on all subjects is legendary.
  • Your communications skills have nearly matched those of a house brick.
  • You have multiple Olympic medals in the fields of snivelling, grovelling and obtuse obfuscation.

If that’s you, ooze down to the application button, whimper helpfully at your screen, and apply now! We can promise you a future which will defy description.

My advice – If that’s you, become someone else, immediately.

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A corporate dynamic vs toast – A history


 

corporate dynamic…And it came to pass in those days that a piece of toast was decreed by those in the vast spaces of the meeting. Behold ye, sinners, the dynamic culture thereof, and how a world did end.

“Toast”, cried the dynamic geriatric, famous for his ability to almost use furniture. “Yeah!” yelled the multitude. “…But how?” they wailed. The challenge was great; the minds were flickering with the implications.

“You’ve got a plan, boss!” said the perceptive young 50 year old sycophant, astutely.

Are we poor enough yet page 6An expression, perhaps, or possibly erosion, crossed the enigmatic features of the boss. It was a look of greed, power, and lust. Or maybe the senility was trying to escape again.

The insiders looked on admiringly but with caution. The boss had an unusual hairstyle, largely because his hairdresser hated his guts, and the resulting haystack was sometimes a clue to the dark logic under it. If the mess on top moved, something was actually going to happen. If it didn’t, they could go and frolic in the park unless those big butch butterflies were around.

The hair moved, erratically. Something was going to happen. The level of tension rose. You could feel the dynamics, oozing out of their various orifices.

Job page 19“Yes”, he replied eventually. He looked around at his cohorts, his legions in this war on toast. They were a good bunch. Loyal, punctual, and absolutely talentless. They were the perfect mix of futility, cheap greed, and utter dependency.

“We need thought leadership!” he exclaimed. “We need insights, inputs, and outputs. We need people called Nigel making passionate evangelisms among the masses. We’ll form a working group, and start a project.”

The hordes swooned. Action! Decision! A room full of ties straightened up in their chairs, instinctively.

The perceptive young 50 year old was chosen to lead the team. He was a real go-getter that got. He started with the thought leadership. He scoured the Earth, or somewhere similar.

Mimbly_Tales_Cover_for_Kindle(1) 300PPIHe found Ard O’Veering, the dynamic instigator of seminars which appeared out of nowhere in New York. The crusty old 20 year old was full of vinegar, pithy observations, and about three bottles of Jack. Just the guy to really pin down the ethics, meaning and spiritual flavors of toast.

He found Pew Tress Smugly, hard case marketing genius and occasional arsonist, perfect for the difficult task of making toast. Smugly was able to expound the true values of thermodynamics, oxidization, and flammable materials to any business gathering. He was a persuader, an influencer, a clairvoyant, and able to kill people with a mere 5 hour monologue on any subject. Talk about dynamic.

He found Lucid Van Duh, too… A master of social media, capable of turning Big Data in to meaningful slop with a single nuance of moving priorities and personally responsible for the Louvre becoming a dry cleaning franchise. “Him look dynamic”, reasoned the 50 year old sycophant cunningly.

Didn't know that, eh?

Didn’t know that, eh?

The team was assembled at a meeting, and the feathers flew as these experts battled for supremacy over the toast project. The conversational got technical, fast, and most of the audience were lost early in the melee of ideas.

Ard O’Veering: “We toast, do we not? We estrange the carbohydrates in coarse gestures, do we not? We singe We howl at the moon, but do we gyrate at the tides?” he asked.” We should become as one with the toast!” he roared.

Pew Tress Smugly disagreed, vehemently: “We should create new meanings! Is it enough to merely toast, when we could incinerate our way to a whole new civilization on a single slice of bread?”

Lucid Van Duh threw a colossal monkey wrench in to the meeting with a savage riposte: “Flard. Sub toastal ecumenical leanings. Drive toast to movies. Zab woof. Nootle not lest your smoods betray your true objectives.”

They didn’t actually start beating each other up, but wow, was it dynamic. The only thing they agreed on was that media coverage of The Toasting was required, and their fees.

Gothic Black, Paul Wallis books AmazonThe boss smiled, and the mob cringed. He got up on the table and said, “Agreed! A budget of $15 million will be used for the project.” Then he did a little dance, singing Camptown Races in the nasal tones so popular at karaoke nights. The crowd went wild.

Dynamically, they set up the dynamics of the project, which obviously had to have good dynamics or it wouldn’t have been dynamic. People were sent on working retreats to learn how to antagonize carbohydrates with coarse gestures. Haggard but mindlessly optimistic faces appeared in the malls. They arranged groups to howl at the moon while others surveyed recruits for gyrating at the tides. People who identified strongly with toast were surveyed, and had to be restrained in some cases.

Other groups were sent in search of meanings, with orders to capture them and return them to the office for evaluation. Serial toast-burners were brought in for questioning and training purposes. A group of specialists were sent looking for a civilization to compare to slices of bread.

A Flard Task Group was set up to find flards for staff indoctrination, preferably those flards with strong but discreet religious ties. Cinemas were besieged with people bringing their toast to premieres. Zab woofs, a particularly cynical type of dog, were bred in huge numbers. Nootles, nootling, and any other activities were banned, causing some annoyance among nootle-vendors around the town. Smood management (the art of smoothing your moods until you don’t know what you think about anything) classes were rigidly enforced for all staff. Objectives of any kind were forbidden to be mentioned.

Mass Media page 3The media production people were invited, then found themselves subject to non-disclosure contracts, orientation lectures, and seminars from the three stalwart thought leaders. They agreed that $15 million sounded about right for the project. Allowing for other costs, that blew out The Toast budget to about $40 million.

Nobody cared. Life was good. Ideas were challenging and exciting. Many of the staff had never tried Smooding, and found it very helpful in their relationships, personal and professional.

Talkback radio stars had orgasms on air about The Toast. They proclaimed it a moral essential, a key issue in modern democracy, and rather cute. Game shows and reality shows included people talking about The Toast to the exclusion of all other subjects. Even the standing room only state of North America, now covered five layers deep in management consultants, was rarely remarked upon.

It was perhaps inevitable that a wider stage for The Toast was envisaged. The three deus ex washing machina decided that political leverage was required, and managed to persuade representatives from government and opposition to provide inputs. Another $20 million sailed majestically by as the organization, tired but proud, cheered.

Are we poor enough yet page 14Soon, the world was involved. National budgets included funding The Toast as a core economic policy. Huge amounts of business were generated for toast training, therapy, and related needs. Flards roared. The moon was howled at by millions of people. Tides were gyrated at, whether they liked it or not. Smooding was entered in to civil law, and included in corporate law as a nice touch.

The military industrial complex, of course, couldn’t be left out. Toast bombers, Toast ICBMs, and Toast robots with Stealth Smooding capabilities were churned out in vast numbers.

Zab woofs were appointed to executive positions, mainly because unlike the constantly smooding humans, they knew when and whom to bite or urinate upon. Arson became an Olympic sport. Toast burning was carried out in mass ceremonies, oversighted by High Smooding Priests. The Toast Day became a public holiday.

Are we poor enough yet page 4Then a revolutionary idea occurred – Why not put something on the toast, like marmalade, or jam or something? It took the mighty intellects four years to think of it, but it was a major, and for a while, significant, revelation. Fortunately, no actual wars occurred, but global tensions were high, even when subjected to Mass Smooding.

Came the big day – The actual Toasting. Expectations were high. The boss appeared before the world in his Smood Suit, his haystack hair gleaming in the sun. The sound of a world saying “Goshickles!” was heard.

He placed the toast in the toaster. It arose, glowing crisply from the heat of the 4000 degree, ultra-tactful, super laser toaster. He smiled. He buttered the toast, added jam, reheated, and ate it.

A silence ensued.

A voice was heard – “You mean… That’s it?” asked the voice.

The global economy collapsed. The Toast-oriented society, its ethics, its values, and most importantly its stock prices, lost all meaning. The chaos was un-Smoodable. A world ended, if not before the next thing it toasted was the boss and his haystack hair, which turned out to be an actual haystack.

Moral of story – If you believe for a minute anything means anything but exactly what it’s supposed to be and what it’s supposed to do, you’re even dumber than you think you are. Smood if you can.

In keeping with the practices of other highly reputable scientific journals, a small fee of anything which can actually be processed by PayPal to the tune of $2938443982473497429384 is payable for reading this article. If enough people read it, I’ll be able to pay my phone bill for all the counseling I have to do as a result of writing it. Your cooperation and prompt payment is much appreciated – If not entirely believed.

LOGO with Sydney Media Jam edit 300PPISydney Media Jam is now back. Seems the changeover from Yahoo meant that some stuff went missing, too. I had entries for June 2015 as the latest…. Anyway, we has returned, so there.

 

 

Management science, depending on what drug you’re using


 

democracy, sydney media jam blogManagement science texts are to the English language what diarrhea is to ballet. They need something to make them more interesting and easier to survive.

Many academics, mainly to avoid being bored to death, have suggested that illegal drugs may achieve this noble goal. I’ve put together a few examples of dictated management science texts on the subject of management dynamics for enlightenment and transcription, and to annoy as many people as possible, as follows:

Are we poor enough yet page 8Cocaine – Management dynamics are critical in any organization… (Snort, wheeze) … These dynamics are sort of sparkly-tingly. They’re like a 40-year-old eunuch trying to date a super model in a coin laundry. (Cough) You may be there, but the people you want aren’t. (No, that’s my face. I’m using it. Whaddya mean, “Why”?) You need to approach the working mechanics of management dynamics with a fruit salad-like zing. (We got any more? Go sell your other kidney, it’ll be great.)

Ice – Management dynamics are (Get out of my face right now, dude) essential parts of a truly efficient, profitable business culture. (Sound of breaking furniture) You need (smash, crash) to understand the core fundamental essentials of (gunfire) making your role effective. (Put down the chainsaw, Mom) (Sirens) Don’t forget to subscribe!

Oxycontin –  Management dynamics are the cushion on your butt to get you through the business roller coaster ride. They’re the (Huh? What? Oh, yeah, he’s been glued to the ceiling for weeks now. I think he’s napping.) …big deal for your… something… (Ah, I’ll do it later.)

Paul Wallis books, Threat-Hamster, Wanderlaugh

My books, oddly, are about endless different realities. No wonder they don’t sell.

Testosterone – Management dynamics are what make you a man among men. A god! People will come from all over the world simply to get beaten up by you and turned in to a puddle. (Sound of traffic) Get your management dynamics right and the world is your pussy! (Whispers into mike – Nobody needs to know you’re a gerbil whose last date was with a toaster. You know, guys – The big stick approach – All class, buffed and dressed to shill. Like you’re a real someone.) You can name your own price for anything. (Traffic louder. Sound of horns and brakes) You can be… (Hey, you…Crunch… grind, squish…)  

LSD – Management dynamics are a trip. It’s like a big swirly world where you manage things and then start to wonder why and all these horizons suddenly appear and you go and check them out and your dynamics are really cool and you can focus on things really clearly and just chill out in the colors. Chickens. Millions of chickens, marching across the plains into that limo and out on to red carpets. Screw it, I’d rather listen to music, read comics and zone out for a few billion years. It’s safer.

Marijuana – Management dynamics are something you need to think about. Well, no. You don’t need to think about it. You just need to realize that – What…. Why would anyone want to realize something like that, particularly about themselves? Nah, when I smoke my inner social hypocrite dies again for the thousandth time and I bury him with a few laughs… You wanna manage anyone, just act like a human being. Can we publish that? Thought not.

As you can see, we’ve proved that drugs can prevent management science texts. Later we hope to prove that they can also prevent people from becoming management scientists.

www.sydneymediajam.com

Terminology for the Age of Stupidity


 

Wasp2What the world really needs now in this fabulous age when comprehension is becoming so tiresome is more terminology. The best terminology  is light, spreadable, and impossible to digest in any form. This is terminology which causes your socks to run screaming out in to the night. Terminology which shames pandemics in to greater efforts.

Better still, it can be used by total morons in conversation for no reason at all.

So here it is:

Absurd – Alleged humanity in the 21st century

Academia – Form of accountancy, previously requiring vibrators

Apathy – A method of doing business which allows the talentless to thrive.

Appease – Bother to look like you’re paying attention

Arts – The unacceptable risks of mental stimulus or expression

Antagonism – Your relationship with that thar world-thingy ‘n thtuff.

Belief – A form of proprietary hypocrisy with deductions, wars, and pedophiles

Celebrity – A method of making the non-existent look interesting

Cliché – Employment program for media gurus

Comedy – Social policy, political spin, or dire, humorless bastard in front of camera

Conversation – Method of evading issues and thereby causing conflicts

Death – Luxury item, prohibited unless you save up for it

Depraved – If not actually a lobbyist, a new kindergarten naughty word for business.

Depression – A great way of subsidizing corporate megalomaniacs on a daily basis

Disease – A blessing upon the sainted makers of pharmaceuticals

Economics – Raffle for the illiterate and the credulous with no prizes

Education – Synonym for non-existent

Employment – Excuse for not having a life and not being able to afford anything

Environment – Game of hide and seek between consenting idiots

EQ – Egalitarian way of grovelling your way through another day

Facts – Horrible things that prevent parasites from making more money

Finance – Medication for organized crime

Fulfillment – Some misspelled post-it note somewhere giving a reason for living

Hardware – Principle of including useless gadgets to assist money laundering

Health – Excuse for ridiculous prices and even more ridiculous politicians

Hollywood – An institution dedicated to finding work for millionaires

Honesty – Ancient behavior mode

Housing – Ha!

I – Irresponsibly used pronoun; very few people can actually explain what it means.

Ignorance – Franchise product, confers sexual potency on the useless

Incompetence – Compulsory learned process, skill set for everybody

Innovation – Somebody else’s ideas, someone else’s talent, monetized

Intelligence – Use only as directed by your inner moron

Interesting – Threat to global comatose state

Is – Selective verb used to describe your latest lie

Isn’t – Desperate defence of your latest lie

Life – Tacky reason for advertising

Media buying – A way of paying 10 times more for unspeakable crap

Management science – Academic way of talking the world to death for no reason

Misery – Industry based on chat shows and sleazy never-prosecuted vermin

Nepotism – Working theory and practice of incompetence at personal level

No – A valuable verbal contribution to any situation, however critical

Pabulum – Style guide

Peasant – Everybody/culture/society

Plagiarism – The only thing standing between media publishers and recognition of reality

Politics – A more efficient, much more expensive, marketable form of malaria

Poverty – Expensive hobby

Prestigious – More irritating than usual, with publicists

Psychology/psychiatry – Synonyms for “Huh?”

Putrid – Soon to be a prime time series

Relationship – A binding agreement between parties to annoy the hell out of each other

Relevance – Means of extorting half-witted commentaries

Religion – Method of preventing God or anything else from getting a word in

Ridiculous – Implying that anyone knows what they’re doing

Sincerity – Accidental event involving honesty

Social media – Contradiction in terms

Shock jock – Word association used to prevent watchers and listeners realizing they have their own lives

Student – Subject of oppressive experiments, see use-by date on head

Suicide – Implied part of most job descriptions

Terrorism – Infinitive for policies, prices, economic theories, Super PACs, some commentators

Useless – Generic description of society

Vapid – A behavior option when mindless is getting stale

World – Location for the placement of obscenities, absurdities, and idiocies. Stick to recommended dosage.

Xenophobia – Proud personal possession used to demonstrate ignorance

Yes – A word used to imply the likely evasion of action in any form

Zoology – Former academic discipline, now used to define sales figures

Yes, terminology is wonderful. Ask about the terms for a term deposit of terminology from your terminal’s termagant. With these terms, you can upgrade and be the life of the sewer, frolicking in dialogs around the world to which you don’t even have to listen.

Try it on pancakes, cars, epic commutes, or that hideous moment when getting out of bed seems to be a real possibility.

LOGO with Sydney Media Jam edit 300PPI

A few insults to help cause acidity


 

Wasp2Insults are among the few things people actually listen to. The other major category is questions – People are socially programmed to respond. I spend a lot of time improving my ability to add insults to injuries.

For those who need them:

Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were a sewer.

I am a rational person. It’s just that looking at you doesn’t help.

Shouldn’t you be flying around light globes?

…And if madam will just scuttle under the fridge, she’ll find a friend.

The only pacifist in the war of love.

What are you doing here? Did they run out of cockroaches?

By the law of averages, I can tell by looking at you that world is full of beautiful, intelligent people.

Didn’t I tread on you in 1967?

It’s just that the zits are better looking than you are.

I see you escaped from the entomologists.

Who needs death, when we have your intellect to play with?

Other people have lives. You have a phone. Spot the difference.

In the architecture of conversation, you are a load-bearing cliché.

Your stupidity becomes you.

Life seems to avoid you, doesn’t it?

You went to Harvard, and they let you out?

That’s what happens when you replace food with theories. Bored toilet paper.

Have you considered breaking in to the Smithsonian and hiding in a drawer?

Don’t think of it as failure. Think of it as thoroughly deserved recognition for your noble evasion of facts since birth.

The people from the Bozo factory rang. You’ve been recalled.

You’re rich, famous, and totally uninteresting. Congratulations. What an achievement.

Have you ever considered being someone else? It might help.

One of them is a cheese. The other is you. Sure you know which is which?

We’ll get you a plaque from the Better Bleating Society. Then you’ll really stand out.

I don’t think you can afford self-loathing. Where would you find all that extra time?

It’s called Anal Recidivism. You have a dump, change your mind, and put it all back.

You frisky little dunghill, you.

Most sentences have a subject. How do people cope with this contradiction, when they’re talking about you?

Well, there’s the universe, and there’s you. People like to make the distinction, for some reason.

Have you ever considered fracking yourself for untapped deposits of smugness?

The trouble is that insults regarding you are basically statements of the obvious.

I enjoy practicing my insults. Insults are good mental exercise. The logic of insults is the logic of honesty, applied to real opinions. That’s why insults from bullies and boors are so ineffective. They’re guessing and don’t do their research.

If you’d like a custom made insult from me, they’re only $20 million each. Insults to the intelligence should mean something, don’t you think?

LOGO with Sydney Media Jam edit 300PPI

 

 

 

Art appreciation for morons


 

 

Wasp2Host: Welcome to the Celebration of Minimalism. We’d like you to fawn, gush, drip slightly, and perhaps even stand on two legs at our latest selections. We’ll show you what art appreciation is all about.

Imagine the minimal version of a Monet. Two dots in a pristine white canvas. How deeply poignant and moving it would be. Beethoven’s Sixth, without all that noise. The Sistine Chapel, with some dignity. This is the New Culture, the spiritual version of enchanting emptiness.

No, we don’t have any paintings or sculptures. We’re really minimal. We have instead Fred, a local building-nuzzler and fortunately portable cultural icon. Fred’s not allowed in to buildings in this city any more, so we’re having our show here in this wonderful car park off ramp.

Say hello, Fred.

“Fresno intersection”.

Close enough.

…But enough of this artistic banter. Now let’s move on tepidly to the real meat of our celebration; the famous Larry. Larry can hold eight hour monologues in confined spaces, preferably as small as possible. All that breathing just gets in the way, doesn’t it? Larry’s contribution to art appreciation is based on his work as a critic and occasional sales-thing for various major corporations.

Tell us a bit about yourself, Larry.

“It was when I was six that I discovered my hatred of all life. I loathed interesting things. Why have beauty when you can have maniacal, obsessive boredom? Why have love, when you can have empty plates and empty minds? So, naturally, I decided to become an art critic.”

Strange how evolution works, isn’t it?

“I don’t know. I’m not a subscriber.”

Do go on.

Job page 21“Here, ladies and gentlemen and other great losses to entomology, you see pristine art. This is real culture; the frenzied mentality of the driver on the off ramp. The endearingly vacuous expression on the alleged face. The mystic cowering of ramp users. That’s art.”

(Larry pauses to scratch face; continues)

“I first discovered art appreciation as a salesman for Roombas. Yes, all those days ago, I wrote my seminal work, the Roomba Super Destruct Slam Dunk 24. I’d like to read you an excerpt from my piece on this delicious appliance….?”

(Enthusiastic whimperings from crowd)

“Thank you. It’s a template for my later work in teaching art appreciation and formal art criticism. I blush to say that it’s even been compared to some online direct marketing copy.”

(Picks up brochure, smiles and begins to read.)

“The sheer ferocity and unbridled passion of the Roomba Super Destruct Slam Dunk 24 can be compared to Wagner, Liszt and certain anonymous, discreet decors in New Jersey. In unknown places, covens of fans gather to watch their mighty role model as it whisks through grime and grit to expose pure lino. They shudder in ecstasy as it symbolically collides with family members, and other liabilities.

The creative process coverOne day, a savant called Sniffles McClownvomit decided to try an experiment. What if the Roomba Super Destruct Slam Dunk 24 could be persuaded to deliver colored fluids all over the house? Using a Ouija board and a madman’s palette of lawyers, Sniffles fitted acrylic paint dispensers to the Roomba Super Destruct Slam Dunk 24.

The result was what’s now called Instant Expressionism. Expressionism, as you know, is to art what enemas are to ballet – Possibly useful, but not in public.

Sniffles soon discovered that there was a problem with his idea – The Roomba Super Destruct Slam Dunk 24 ran out of paint, or clogged, or tried to commit suicide. The result, however, was interesting – Little or no paint.

Yes, friends and other debtors, it was Minimalism!…”

(Pauses as person faints in delirious crowd explosion of enthusiastic whining.)

“…Control yourselves, please… Well, OK, don’t…And here we have a spot of paint, actually supplied by the Roomba Super Destruct Slam Dunk 24!”

(Cheers, stamping of feet, and sound of adenoidal-overachieving person asking to have his baby or some other souvenir.)

The police were called and responded with cheerful arrests of all involved. Now that’s art appreciation. Go out and buy some, right now, and cower along with the other intellectual bedpans.

 

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Thank you letters for business associates


 

Wasp2The basic business letter needs a makeover. It needs to be translated in to something meaningful, direct, and inescapable. For business associates, the need for quantification of issues is of course paramount.

These letters are designed to provide useful sounding boards for those needing to communicate. Simply use the expressions which apply to the addressee:

 

Dear (name)

Re: Thank you for your services

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you and your business for:

Your many current and ancestral evolutionary failures.

Your implacable stupidity.

Your total lack of interest in actual business results.

The creative process coverYour consistent, all-embracing insanity.

Your total incomprehension of every word, written and verbal.

Your boorish, cockroach-like personal charm.

Your endless tantrums.

Your total hypocrisy and spineless sycophancy.

Your total failure to deliver anything at all at any time.

Your close personal resemblance to severe dysentery.

The utter mindlessness of your staff.

Your vacuous, cosmically boring presentations.

Your gung-ho approach to applying the highest principles of systemic inefficiency.

Freelance_writing-_C_Cover_for_KindleYour total inability to survive a professional conversation of any kind with any sort of credibility.

Your smugness, insularity and deep capacity for adding trivia and tedium to any situation.

Your insufferable assumption of superior knowledge from a background of knowing absolutely nothing about anything when talking to experts.

Your demand for the fanatical evangelizing of something that doesn’t even exist.

Your inability to take expert advice, even in the simplest possible forms.

Your superhuman ability to turn a top level business meeting in to a particularly useless kindergarten event.

Your assumption that catastrophic sales figures are “mumbo jumbo”, as you so elegantly described them during one of your rare lucid moments.

It is my pleasure to inform you that any association between our company and your pathetic wannabe urine sample of a business is now terminated.

Love and kisses to whoever vivisects you with a plastic spoon,

(Signed)

 

 

LOGO with Sydney Media Jam edit 300PPI

When the bullshit runs out


 

Wasp2They came to my door wiping their eyes with their paws

“It’s terrible,” they said, cowering at my door

“What’s wrong?” I asked, not too keen to know the score

Whatever they say, there’s always more.

 

 

I had to ask:

“Did some child accidentally have a childhood?”

“No, it’s worse than that, worse than that!”

“Did some old person remember how to smile?”

“No, it’s worse than that, worse than that!”

“Did someone’s bills get paid?”

“No, it’s worse than that, worse than that!”

“Did a human being have a life worth living?”

“No, it’s worse than that, worse than that!”

 

“We’re running out of bullshit!”

Chorus – Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit

Repeat.

 

Now I got the score. I said, “Well, I think I know where you can get some more…”

“No, it’s worse than that, worse than that!”

We’re running out of executive gerbils to spread the bullshit, too!

 

“What! No executive gerbils, too? What have you been doing to you?”

“No, it’s worse than that, worse than that!”

We’re running out of celebrity trash, as well!

 

“That was careless and more,” I said, with a wince I found hiding in a cosmetics store.

“No, it’s worse than that, worse than that!”

We’re running out of excuses, too!

 

“How could that be? Your parents were so evasive to everybody!”

“No, it’s worse than that, worse than that!”

We’re running out of liars, too!

 

“Well, get out there and show them you care! Make some more!”

“No, it’s worse than that, worse than that!”

“We’ve lost the recipe!”

 

They went next door and complained to God and I heard some more:

“No, it’s worse than that, worse than that!”

“We’re running out of bullshit!”

Chorus – Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit

Repeat

A mighty shout roared unto they without:

“Get thee and thy skank world the hell out of here!”

And a heavenly host did sing:

Get thee the hell out of here!

Get thee the hell out of everywhere!

Take thy bullshit, thy gerbils, thy excuses and thy liars and get thee the hell out of here!

Goodbye and don’t come back

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

 

LOGO with Sydney Media Jam edit 300PPI

 

Pay As You Go Reality – If you don’t pay for it, you can ignore it


 

Wasp2Stop enjoying getting disembowelled by your bills (you self-indulgent cad!) for a minute and listen to this – New Pay As You Go Reality can solve it all for you. You can subscribe to the bits you want, too. It’s all part of the new selective reality lifestyle being trialled by various geniuses.

Obviously, “I think, therefore I am” has a lot wrong with it. “…I am what?” is the obvious demographic anomaly. Many people find reality a pretty lousy fit, and you can’t do much with it except lug it around with you. In fashion terms, it’s no great asset, either. Unless you can say, preferably while dribbling eloquently, “Looka me! Me just got new reality!” there’s no real status value, either.

Clearly, the only real option is to customize reality. You can now subscribe to things like wars, poverty, and incredible, soul-searing boredom at your discretion. Customize your choice of tedium and pointless ennui. Buy a designer state of total mediocrity for your very own, not just what some throwaway society nobody believes in inflicts on itself. Continue reading

How to explain a book to people who don’t read


 

 

Wasp2“What is it?” asked the commuters on the train, now stalled for nearly an hour in a tunnel.

“It’s a book,” answered the lone, somewhat irritated, reader. The other commuters were bored and had eventually noticed the only person not talking.

More questions about the book naturally followed:

 

What does it do?

Will it go with my hairstyle?

Does it tell me how to fight the 412 visible signs of indecisiveness?

Does it tell me how to dodge street gangs?

Does it tell me how to find a job where I might make money?

Does it cook food?

Can I use it to look like I’m smart and pick up chicks?

Does it kill rats?

Does it have magic spells?

Should a lawyer be seen reading it?

How does it make me smarter?

Job page 23

 

The reader didn’t answer. It so happened that the book was a rather penetrant, cynical thing, which kept readers in a constant state of reflection on the human race. Unethical as this may sound, it was also a very good, interesting book. The reader didn’t want to discuss it with them and held a furious internal debate about how to respond.

 

Deciding that the easiest way to get out of the questions was to ask a question:

“Don’t you guys read?”

Haven’t got the time.

I’m usually out on dates.

I’m usually out of my mind.

I can’t make up my mind what to read.

I don’t know why I should read. Other people can read for me.

I’m too busy.

I need something I can eat with.

I don’t want to commit my mind to something like reading. It may be illegal.

I read things to make me smarter.

The train started moving. The commuters cheered. One of them thought to ask the reader what the name of the book was.

“Brave New World”, said the reader.

It really was the best way to explain a book to non-readers – Don’t.

 

 

 

LOGO with Sydney Media Jam edit 300PPI