Carnivorous typos? New data!

Wasp2The rumors of carnivorous typos need to be taken seriously. There’s nothing which can take a big chunk out of a good bit of text, or your comprehension,  like a good typo. They’re the Jaws of literature. Typos naturally devour other text, and are great for conspiracy theories. The natural progression to eating people is hardly a revelation.

In the modern Post-Relevance Era, typos may also be considered a natural progression of healthy evolution in to a completely incoherent state. (Well, what’s relevance ever done for anyone, anyway?) Some people consider typos a sort of human right.

Ad hoc Threat-Hamster coverTypos, in fact, are as prevalent as bacteria and viruses, and very much a part of the evolution of human culture. If it wasn’t for typos, all those millions of people who drool happily at phrases like “meticulous attention to detail” wouldn’t even exist. They may not notice the world ending, but give them some text to bitch about, and they’re able to breed in their millions.

The devil is in the detail, of course. According to a basic rule of thumb, 5% of all data entered is wrong. Data typos are the most common. Fat finger, call it what you will, or drifting off to some world where life exists, typos are part of reality.

The paleontology of typos

You're looking sane todayAfter waiting for some time until a species able to host typos evolved, the typos arose from the timeless muck of consciousness and stalked the land. Great were their aspirations, and great were their applications.

According to theory, early typos were very much limited by early human lack of vocabulary, and the difficulty of writing on stone tablets. Since most people couldn’t read, the typos lacked a proper environment in which to evolve. These typos, in pictographs or cuneiform, photosynthesized along until Indian, Chinese, and European typos began to specialize.

They saw their chance through philosophy and the rise of modern science, in which being inarticulate and staggeringly verbose gave scope for much more wide ranging typos, particularly in basic concepts:

Newton’s Law of Gravy. (Later known as Brownian motion, or Gravox.)

“I think, therefore I Um…” (Cogito, ergo sum thing or other, in the original)

A snitch in time saves nine. (Now part of penal codes worldwide.)

No free lynch. (Cheap bastards.)

You don’t get something for anything. (You don’t say?)

The High Council of Typos: Beginnings of a typo-based society

Are we poor enough yet page 9The typos, tired of waiting for humans to do so, evolved their own civilization. (Let’s face it; civilization has always been a hit or miss affair, usually missing.) The High Council of Typos was formed to systematize typos in all languages.

These were originally duly elected typos, but membership of the High Council is now based on the Apostrophe Succession principle we see in the word “its”, which is now impossible to write correctly.

From this came the basic principles of typo society and new forms of typo:

The transmigration of typos to other contexts – See English language, before it finishes digging that tunnel.

Multi tsking – The sacred right of everyone to go “tsk” when reading anything.

The art of the “hinterview” – In which readers, journalists, publicists and editors flail around trying to get a hint of what the interviewee is talking about.

Verbal typos – Escaping from text to rule the land, mainly because fish don’t do a lot of reading.

Uddervertising – Mainly confined to mammals and used to prove that boobs covering thousands of square miles are necessary when buying furniture or anything else. This is a cultural typo, in which context, syntax and all else are entirely unnecessary.

Public Relations – Part of the enchanting myth that anyone wants anything to do with the public. This is a sort of socio-conceptual typo.

Job page 24So, is it any wonder that typos have become carnivorous? If a Typorannosaurus were to evolve, feasting on the fat, steaming carcasses of languages, wouldn’t it make a lot of sense? Wouldn’t it tidy up all that verbal carrion and lead to smarter, more agile, more robust creatures of language? Would not a Typoceratops also evolve, defending its right to chew on the foliage of ancient recycled verbal crud?


To quote some poor bastard – Ask not for whom the bowel tolls. The food industry does a lot of verbiage, too.

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