Internet of Things  – Crappy Cash Cow Rising


 

Paul Wallis, Sydney Media Jam CO2The Internet of Things will be Christmas for the hardware guys. Give them credit, promoting garbage is their real strong suit. The Internet of Things isn’t even remotely necessary. Existing tech can do all of it, with very minor modifications. It’ll be an excuse to add some Duh-level software, and call it smart, much like smart phones. This will be crap incarnate, as everyone knows. What’s interesting is the way it’s being sold.

Think about it. Do you actually need a fridge that can tell you need milk, or an oven that can tell you it needs cleaning? How about a washing machine that can analyse your washing and tell you that you might have rabies? Of course not. Yet the Internet of Things is being sold like sliced bread, as if you can’t live without it.

The processes and the selling process, are based on perception.
Tech is good, right? Sometimes, sure, but hardly always. New is good, right? Occasionally, at best. Tech comes and goes. Sometimes you’re glad to see the back of it. The Internet of Things, however, is about to be rammed down your throat as a must-have.

In the cheap and nasty world of hardware, engineers might get a look in, but it’s mainly sales at consumer level. Think of all the crap you’ve ever bought which failed almost immediately or simply didn’t live up to expectations on any level. Now apply that to every possible type of basic tech you have.

Internet of Things = Insecure

The “connectivity factor” is another load of bull. Creating multiple security risks where you currently have none is also apparently essential. In all the years I’ve been watching the Internet of Things emerging from the butthole of mediocrity which is promoting it, nobody has EVER addressed this issue in any degree of depth, if at all. It’s being ignored, entirely.  It’s a familiar pattern. Just about every expert has said the Internet of Things is a huge risk, therefore nothing is being done about it.

What to expect from the Internet of Things

Expect this:

  • Constant malfunctions. Either hardware, software, or both, the plague will descend like a void warranty Woodstock on the public.
  • Shoddy software, hardware, and connections. This is normal. New tech teething usually takes about 5-10 years.
  • Overpriced and ridiculous. You get something which can measure mould in a fridge. It uses a chemical particle detector, which means if it’s not calibrated properly, it can shut down your fridge.
  • The mystic ability of onboard software to interfere with normal operations. (Like a dysfunctional sound file that won’t let you close Windows, for example. The operating processes dictate, and the processes in the Internet of Things will be truly half-ass at best.
  • Your wardrobe will deliver a display, a lecture on how to wash your clothes, and SFA of any practical value.
  • No opt-out options. When you buy an Internet of Things gizmo, you won’t be able to avoid the features. It’s not like a car, where you can take or leave certain features. You get the crap whether you want it or not. The Internet of Things should be optional, but what fun would that be for the Internet of Things shills, if they can’t gouge you for something?

The economics of the Internet of Things

The good news? You’ll stop being such a materialist, (you awful person, you) after buying these things and fixing them has sent you broke. The trouble with cash cow tech is that nobody ever wonders how people will pay for them, pay for fixing them, or pay for new tech that actually works after having been incinerated a few times.

Paul Wallis books, sydney media jam

The 21st century Stone Age can be creatively counteracted. Creating solutions, creating better options, you name it; this is the way out of the sewer.

Better still, you can have some more stress to go with your techno-menagerie. Imagine trying to figure out whether your automatic ordering fridge (A fridge that can spend your money for you is a selling point, if you’re an idiot) has been helping launder money around the world. You can simply be ripped off by anyone with a few minutes to spend doing so.

More subtly, you can be ripped off for years by micro transactions milking your account, linked to anything from taxes to service charges and simply adding a bit more. These micro transactions actually predate the internet, robbing a few dollars or cents here or there, and with a world full of connected gadgets, you’re talking billions of dollars per second.

Won’t the other end of the transactions do something, you ask, from your sparkly new hand-dug burrow under a main road? No. They’re only responsible for their own due fees, charges, etc. They can happily dump any problems on you, because they’re not parties to any illegal transaction. You’d have to prove they had any liability. Cute, huh?

Parasites, rejoice! The Internet of Things hath come!

So for everyone but consumers, the Internet of Things will be wonderful. You can be happily sold more expensive crap in the sure knowledge that yet another type of tech will create a lot more problems with no solutions.

Things you might want to ask your wonderful, wise Internet of Things salesperson:

  1. Will the new Internet of Things alarm clock which also provides medical advice be able to help with euthanasia?
  2. Can your handy new clothes dryer/auditor/priest provide spiritual salvation, or at least a few good excuses?
  3. Can your dishwasher help to spread more diseases, and keep those nice guys in Big Pharma out of jail?
  4. Can your toaster oven incubate more politicians?
  5. How many ways can your new Domestic Gestalt of Things help with sending you broke?
  6. How many relationship problems can you have with a new dining table which also provides help with toxic waste foods selection?
  7. Is it possible to buy a connected chair which also does electrocutions while preventing you from watching anything?

I’m having nothing to do with the Internet of Things until someone can prove to me it’s not a total liability and total waste of time and money from inception.

Paul Wallis, Sydney Media Jam, Paul Wallis books