Thank you letters for business associates


 

Wasp2The basic business letter needs a makeover. It needs to be translated in to something meaningful, direct, and inescapable. For business associates, the need for quantification of issues is of course paramount.

These letters are designed to provide useful sounding boards for those needing to communicate. Simply use the expressions which apply to the addressee:

 

Dear (name)

Re: Thank you for your services

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you and your business for:

Your many current and ancestral evolutionary failures.

Your implacable stupidity.

Your total lack of interest in actual business results.

The creative process coverYour consistent, all-embracing insanity.

Your total incomprehension of every word, written and verbal.

Your boorish, cockroach-like personal charm.

Your endless tantrums.

Your total hypocrisy and spineless sycophancy.

Your total failure to deliver anything at all at any time.

Your close personal resemblance to severe dysentery.

The utter mindlessness of your staff.

Your vacuous, cosmically boring presentations.

Your gung-ho approach to applying the highest principles of systemic inefficiency.

Freelance_writing-_C_Cover_for_KindleYour total inability to survive a professional conversation of any kind with any sort of credibility.

Your smugness, insularity and deep capacity for adding trivia and tedium to any situation.

Your insufferable assumption of superior knowledge from a background of knowing absolutely nothing about anything when talking to experts.

Your demand for the fanatical evangelizing of something that doesn’t even exist.

Your inability to take expert advice, even in the simplest possible forms.

Your superhuman ability to turn a top level business meeting in to a particularly useless kindergarten event.

Your assumption that catastrophic sales figures are “mumbo jumbo”, as you so elegantly described them during one of your rare lucid moments.

It is my pleasure to inform you that any association between our company and your pathetic wannabe urine sample of a business is now terminated.

Love and kisses to whoever vivisects you with a plastic spoon,

(Signed)

 

 

LOGO with Sydney Media Jam edit 300PPI

New York the image, as seen from outside


 

Mass Media page 1New York is a riot of images, past and present. It’s a blur of TV show culture, Wall Street, and the condensed folklore of the last century. The City That Never Sleeps is a sort of ongoing movie of itself that doesn’t know when to move on to the next movie, in some ways.

The entrenched power, wealth, and glitz are real enough. NY isn’t a myth, in terms of its reach and influence. It’s the home of global capitalism, and its exact opposite, a forward-looking, truly inspired residence for progressive culture and ideas. It’s the home of modern advertising, marketing, and the nuts and bolts of media.

The risks, the crime, and the deadly side to the city are also obviously quite real. An American told me years ago that America was “the best and worst of everything”, and my readings and researches over the years have simply confirmed that in the case of New York. The stories are endless, and they’re generally pretty grim.

What’s really unique is the city’s view of itself. It’s cynical, but also “New York, New York”. The New Yorker magazine is a sort of ever-evolving monument to the city’s inward-looking nature, while also confirming its high level of perceptivity and voracious curiosity about anything and everything else. Arguably, that’s the most accurate representation of the city’s famous, if eclectic, culture.

In Harpo Marx’s book, Harpo Speaks, the original 20th century New York looks like an artist’s palette in full flight, painting thousands of pictures at the same time. If you read Damon Runyon, you get another New York, a sort of diner of tales and twists.

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When the bullshit runs out


 

Wasp2They came to my door wiping their eyes with their paws

“It’s terrible,” they said, cowering at my door

“What’s wrong?” I asked, not too keen to know the score

Whatever they say, there’s always more.

 

 

I had to ask:

“Did some child accidentally have a childhood?”

“No, it’s worse than that, worse than that!”

“Did some old person remember how to smile?”

“No, it’s worse than that, worse than that!”

“Did someone’s bills get paid?”

“No, it’s worse than that, worse than that!”

“Did a human being have a life worth living?”

“No, it’s worse than that, worse than that!”

 

“We’re running out of bullshit!”

Chorus – Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit

Repeat.

 

Now I got the score. I said, “Well, I think I know where you can get some more…”

“No, it’s worse than that, worse than that!”

We’re running out of executive gerbils to spread the bullshit, too!

 

“What! No executive gerbils, too? What have you been doing to you?”

“No, it’s worse than that, worse than that!”

We’re running out of celebrity trash, as well!

 

“That was careless and more,” I said, with a wince I found hiding in a cosmetics store.

“No, it’s worse than that, worse than that!”

We’re running out of excuses, too!

 

“How could that be? Your parents were so evasive to everybody!”

“No, it’s worse than that, worse than that!”

We’re running out of liars, too!

 

“Well, get out there and show them you care! Make some more!”

“No, it’s worse than that, worse than that!”

“We’ve lost the recipe!”

 

They went next door and complained to God and I heard some more:

“No, it’s worse than that, worse than that!”

“We’re running out of bullshit!”

Chorus – Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit

Repeat

A mighty shout roared unto they without:

“Get thee and thy skank world the hell out of here!”

And a heavenly host did sing:

Get thee the hell out of here!

Get thee the hell out of everywhere!

Take thy bullshit, thy gerbils, thy excuses and thy liars and get thee the hell out of here!

Goodbye and don’t come back

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

 

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Pay As You Go Reality – If you don’t pay for it, you can ignore it


 

Wasp2Stop enjoying getting disembowelled by your bills (you self-indulgent cad!) for a minute and listen to this – New Pay As You Go Reality can solve it all for you. You can subscribe to the bits you want, too. It’s all part of the new selective reality lifestyle being trialled by various geniuses.

Obviously, “I think, therefore I am” has a lot wrong with it. “…I am what?” is the obvious demographic anomaly. Many people find reality a pretty lousy fit, and you can’t do much with it except lug it around with you. In fashion terms, it’s no great asset, either. Unless you can say, preferably while dribbling eloquently, “Looka me! Me just got new reality!” there’s no real status value, either.

Clearly, the only real option is to customize reality. You can now subscribe to things like wars, poverty, and incredible, soul-searing boredom at your discretion. Customize your choice of tedium and pointless ennui. Buy a designer state of total mediocrity for your very own, not just what some throwaway society nobody believes in inflicts on itself. Continue reading