The basic business letter needs a makeover. It needs to be translated in to something meaningful, direct, and inescapable. For business associates, the need for quantification of issues is of course paramount.
These letters are designed to provide useful sounding boards for those needing to communicate. Simply use the expressions which apply to the addressee:
Re: Thank you for your services
I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you and your business for:
Your many current and ancestral evolutionary failures.
Your implacable stupidity.
Your total lack of interest in actual business results.
Your total incomprehension of every word, written and verbal.
Your boorish, cockroach-like personal charm.
Your endless tantrums.
Your total hypocrisy and spineless sycophancy.
Your total failure to deliver anything at all at any time.
Your close personal resemblance to severe dysentery.
The utter mindlessness of your staff.
Your vacuous, cosmically boring presentations.
Your gung-ho approach to applying the highest principles of systemic inefficiency.
Your smugness, insularity and deep capacity for adding trivia and tedium to any situation.
Your insufferable assumption of superior knowledge from a background of knowing absolutely nothing about anything when talking to experts.
Your demand for the fanatical evangelizing of something that doesn’t even exist.
Your inability to take expert advice, even in the simplest possible forms.
Your superhuman ability to turn a top level business meeting in to a particularly useless kindergarten event.
Your assumption that catastrophic sales figures are “mumbo jumbo”, as you so elegantly described them during one of your rare lucid moments.
It is my pleasure to inform you that any association between our company and your pathetic wannabe urine sample of a business is now terminated.
Love and kisses to whoever vivisects you with a plastic spoon,